Cupid 4 Hire, Adventures in Modern Matchmaking

Givin' Up the Good Stuff

2006-12-05T10:00:00.000-08:00

Those half-ass whores at Cosmos are at it again. Check out their "Go Commando" article from this week's edition. In case you're too lazy to read it (I know, it's hard to read with all those big words) allow me to paraphrase...

"Show some leg: get a man" and remember that "Men are visual creatures" so says Howard J. Ruppel (The J is for Jackass) Ph.D. "Cosmo is talking to academic types," you ask? Not really.

In the world of academics, "Sexology" ranks just about even with "Leisure Studies" and "Public Events Management" as a way to turn a Saturday night into a four year degree. And in the case of Sexologist Howard "The Howetzer" J. Ruppel Jr. Ph.D., he's actually the former Chancellor and Academic Dean of Northern Illinois University (the Harvard of northern Illinois public universities) and is currently working The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality (SSS&S) in that hot-bed, boom-town of sexual activity, Indianapolis. (By the way, his coveted degree of "MPH" (Master of Public Health) and Ph.D. in Sexology can be obtained online from the University of Phoenix with experience you likely already have. (Ever had sex? Then you're probably eligible.) But back to Cosmo...

The article states "(Men) are problem solvers... Giving him a clue without exposing things keeps him guessing". I agree with Cosmo, men are problem solvers. But show him some leg? Men only ever have two central problems; how do I get laid and where do I get fed? Show him some leg and he may be diverted and start thinking about chicken and hitting the KFC rather than your ass. Show him your ass, and well, he'll get an appetite for something else. Let's consider the below two shall we, which is more popular in modern society...

(Ok men... decission time, which is it gonna be?)

Come on Cosmo. If you're going to show the goods, show the goods! Men may be attracted to what they can't see, but they're FAR more attracted to what they can! Every good slut knows this.

As a half-ass member of the Christian Coalition, I know better than most it's best to forgive (especially when it's a convicted sex offender looking for travel advice on how to feel up little boys) but those Cosmo hussies are going straight to hell! And if you're going to hell, you might as well enjoy the garden of earthly delights an give it up. Tis the season for giving after all, and the more you give, I guarantee, the more men you'll get!

A Prince of Reality

2006-12-04T16:04:00.000-08:00

Everybody has faults. Girls often have hair in unattractive places, guys fart, and many Americans (regardless of their gender) consistently vote Democrat.

This guy has the right idea! Unless you’re a British nanny or into S&M and get a kick out of punishing someone, accept them for who they are or hire me to find you someone better!

My Toughest Case So Far

2006-12-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

I want to introduce you to Carl. This is Carl. I'm sure he would respond (or at least gurgle) if this were reality and something more than a picture.

Normally I would protect the name of my clients but seeing as how I'm not, nor is anyone, sure "Carl" is this gentleman's real name, I hardly seem bothered. Though I've been working in matchmaking for a fairly short amount of time, I consider Carl to be my hardest case so far.

For those of you wondering, yes, Carl is wearing a diaper. I assure you this is not for fashion reasons (or because he thinks he's clever by being different) it serves a functional purpose as Carl is prone to relieving himself several times a day without consideration as to whether or not he's near a toilet. Why would I take on such a client? How did I find such a client? What the hell do I do with such a client? All fair questions, allow me to explain.

Carl, as you might have guessed, is not an entirely mentally stable person. In fact, the State of Virginia has gone so far as to label Carl "mentally unstable" a classification which is applied to many of his fellow incarcerates in the Vienna Falls Psychiatric and Mental Ward lock-down facility (conveniently located near to the Vienna Falls metro so I didn't need to get a bus!).

Normally I wouldn't accept such clients but a friend of mine, "Susie", says I owe her for borrowing her blender to make margarettas last weekend. Susie works with Carl as a part-time nurse (she's volunteering to increase her chances when she applies to med school next year). Anyway, Carl's normal doctor himself is recently recovering from a mental breakdown (unrelated) and Carl's between attending physicians. Susie's become tired of having Carl reach for her chest every time she replaces his juice. His calls of "WO-MAN" in a Scottish accent can apparently be heard to echo down the ward's hallways so Suz thought it was time to do something. She suggested I come in "just to take a peek" and as the job counts as "consiliatory care" it pays a sound weekly wage since it's state financed. Yeah!

I first considered pairing Carl with someone more like him (e.g. female and nuts) but according to Susie, all I have to do is convince Carl that he's not alone. While I'm looking for someone to hook him up with, I've given Carl a hand puppet but he's been using the hole for other activities. For a brief moment I considered giving him a rabbit (I hear kittens are very good with gorillas) but after reading of Mice and Men, I'm convinced that's a BAD idea! I'll keep you updated on Carl's progress as I go along.

Brief Notes on Recognizing & Getting Over Lonliness

2006-12-02T14:00:00.000-08:00

Breaking up is hard to do. Especially when you’re a female past thirty five and it dawns on you that might the last dick you’ll ever get. For guys it’s less so. But even if you’re one who’s rare to get some and you convinced that 6 and half girl from the adjacent apartment to sleep with you a few times; it may be hard to come to terms with the fact that she was only interested because she was borred.

Though humans are a widely diverse species we are united, ironically, in that at some point we all experience loneliness.

This cruel, vulnerable, and intolerable state is not to be mocked or laughed about, but rather amended. It’s my pleasure to help in this process with the following suggestion.

Over 35 and just broke up with that long-term boyfriend? Let’s get you to a bar, liquor up the boys and before they know it, you’ll have a new, younger boy, running from your bed almost as quickly as he stumbled into it. Not getting enough and your guy friends are making fun of you? Well tiger, let’s get you some new clothes, new shoes, a new haircut because nothing makes the ladies run like a man who looks well groomed and possibly gay.

http://www.bravotv.com/Queer_Eye

Loosers & Wackos

2006-12-02T11:21:00.000-08:00

Internet matchmaking companies have been expanding rapidly over the past few years as I'm sure you're all aware. As a result, the majority of my clients largely fall into into two categories: they're either weary or new to the whole matchmaking process (nervous about online sites and/or prefer that personal and loving touch of someone like yours truly, nothing wrong with that!) OR they're chronic matchmaking attics; the type that's tried a number of online sites repeatedly with no success or have been removed (often involuntarily) at the request of the host site or poor schleps too naive to know the 15 minuets they'd spend with the person before storming out of the lunch date would lead to several months of therapy.

I call these people losers.

Losers are not to be confused with their far more dangerous and frequently more perverse brethren, "The Wacko". (I should pause here and state that I am not a scientist so my classification system should not be used as such). "Wackos" are the guys you meet in bars who go beyond cheesy pick-up lines and go straight for the sensible jugular by asking questions like "Are you related to my Uncle Bob because he's got big tits too?"

These are normally the people you see getting slapped in the face or wearing wet shirts fresh from a recently thrown drink in the face. (I should note here that while I'm singling out men in particular, women who surround themselves with more cats than they have friends and read Nancy Drew novels well into their 30s should also be included in this category, you know who you are!)

This group along with looses (the more mentally sound but equally socially inept, unattractive, disinterested, and boring of the two groups) compromise the great demographic of our society which most of us would not warm to without a few drinks or a hearty sense of sociological curiosity for the odd and bizarre.

(Can you guess which is the Loser and which is the Wacko?)

These, friends, are the outcasts of a modern generation.

These are the misfit toys from a dust ridden and long tucked away social closet.

These are the ugly and abused puppies of America sifting through trash cans in alleyways longing for attention and just a little bit of nookie.

And with a great deal of money to spend toward this single objective, these, dear friends, are my clients!!!